It's amazing how adversity changes you. I've been carrying around so much anger for so many years and suddenly, it is lifted. A long time friend and I had a falling out a few years after high school. Unfortunately, the friendship did not end amicably (not even remotely close) and though we were both at fault, I carried around that anger and baggage for several years.
Then, amazingly enough, a few months ago, I decide that it's time to put childish things aside and friend him on Facebook. He accepts me, and for a few weeks I begin to wonder if this really was a good idea. Though it's online only, I just don't know if I can handle him being in my life again, in any form.
A week ago, his wife began to get very ill and very quickly. Within hours she went from complaining of a headache to having a spiking fever, confusion, disorientation, loss of motor function and control, seizures, and so many other scary things, it's difficult to comprehend and accept the situation. Upon him taking her to the emergency room and facing a battery of tests, the doctors ultimately diagnose her with bacterial meningitis. Worse, they have three children under the age of 5, all of whom could have been exposed to this monstrous illness.
I feel for them. I feel for his wife, remembering when I almost died of internal bleeding a year and a half ago due to a tubal pregnancy. I feel for him, recalling my husband's insane attempts and accomplishments of putting on a brave face for me and losing it completely when I was in surgery. And suddenly, anger from something that two kids did to each other way back when, seemed very stupid and menial.
I wanted to do something for them. Especially for his wife, being in the hospital, battling such a terrifying disease and kept isolated from her children and a lot of family, for their protection. I can't imagine having to deal with that, and at Christmas.
My original idea was to get her a little tree but I wasn't sure if I should (if I'd even be welcome to). But something in me acted, I got information from his mother as to where I could send something, and I went online and sent her a small bouquet (with a little penguin vase; they didn't have many Christmas trees- boo...). It's not much and it was probably more than I could afford, but I couldn't stand idly by.
All I kept thinking was how I would feel in that situation, and how I did feel in my own situation. And once I sent it, my anger was gone. Completely. That darkness hovering around me for so many years is gone. I can feel it. A huge weight is gone from me and I can suddenly remember all the fun and great times we had as friends, not the wretched end.
I am comforted. I am uplifted. And now I am ready to be whole again. This was something that I never thought I could let go of. I never believed it possible. This was baggage that I could never put down. It's great to be wrong.
This Christmas, is one of the most special. My daughter is 8 months old, I have renewed faith and I've been able to give something up I never thought possible. My husband is my rock, my comfort, my haven. And I have the motivation, the desire, and the drive to move forward with my books, with my writing, with my schooling, with everything that I want to do in life.
It is a good day to be alive, and it is an even greater day to forgive and forget. Some may believe it to be an old concept. I'm learning that it is a necessary one.
